Its not fair. I know that. I’ve always, in the back of my mind, compared your actions to his. I realize that its not fair to you, and I’ve always tried to ignore it… But ever since last week, since what I saw, its been so hard to trust you… Been so hard to listen to what you say…
Now you’ve fallen asleep. And you’re not waking up. And I need you. And you’re not there.
Just. Like. Him.
They’ve have been getting worse… I’ve only told you about the one… The one with the spider… At least I’ve been able to realize whats happening… You haven’t caught on… But what if you do? How will you react? I hate this.
My heart hurts. I feel horridly alone right now. I just want to curl up and disappear into oblivion…
May I? Please? At least then I wouldnt ache so much…
Why does it still hurt? Why can’t I ever move past anything… I cant erase what I saw, standing in the doorway… You cried. I cried. You were told by my counselor that this is something that will probably take me a long time to move past. You didn’t understand at first, how it had possibly hurt me so much, and then I let it out… All of it… I think. There’s more I could have said, but it would have ended up being redundant.
The past two days, we’ve taken the time to just relax. To watch movies and just curl up together. Friday night (Friday the 13th ironically) was the first night all week that I’ve been able to relax. It was because I was there with you. Then yesterday, when we were in the rv, just lying there, watching movies, I wanted to stay there forever.
But when we’re apart I awake again. I remember again. And it hurts. And it torments me. It’s put a huge dent in my trust in you, not going to lie about that. But as Russell reminded me, it’s not worth continually fighting over. So I’ll keep my peace, and my pain, and stay quiet.
Ouch. :\ This week has absolutely sucked. I’ve cried every single day, and had a panic attack… Happy birthday month to me…
Its strange. Whenever I’m happy, I always still feel like something is missing. I’ve never fully felt at ease. You make me feel safe and content, until we part, and then I’m left to drown in the sea of my worries. But neither of us can help that…
Turning 18 in 20 days (Considering this post is after midnight)… And I’ve never felt more lost. Never felt more unsure. You want me to move in with you and your family… Do you have any idea how uncomfortable with that I am? It’d be different if it was just us, but…
I’m scared again. I seem to be scared a lot lately. Oh anxiety, you devil you…
I’ve been playing Alice Madness Returns the past two days. It soothes me. She’s having a breakdown, and I’ve been there done that. I can relate, on certain levels. I can apply the chaos of all that is Alice to myself. That’s my mind on a daily basis… Always having to fight it.
It wasn’t always like this.
Why did things have to change?
You’ve applied for college, as I mentioned in an earlier post… I tried to apply for college today… Hit submit on my application, and it gave me an error, saying I was already in the system. This confuses me, considering I’ve never applied for any college before.
And then it hit me.
Nobody wants the burden of me. You may say you do, but… Its so hard to me to believe you. Not even a fucking community college wants me. And I’m so terrified. What if (after I sort this mess out with admissions), I get accepted? Then what? How in the hell am I going to pay for college?
I feel that lump in my throat again.
What am I?
A nobody. Someone insignificant to the world. Someone who won’t make a difference. We’re all destined to die, and more often than not I wonder why I’ve survived this long.
And then there’s you. I only hold you back… At least, that’s how I feel. I feel like I hold everyone back. I just wish I had the courage to tell you how terrified I am…
For now, I’ll listen to some music to try and quiet the fear.
I’ve decided I’m going to stop posting about you… It’s been a long time, and as much as I want to, I can’t erase the memories. I can, however, ignore them. The first step is to just stop.
So I’ll write about him.
And I’ll write about them.
But I won’t write about you.
I think this is a resolution I can keep… After all, I have more important things to worry about.
So today you said you applied to a college. I don’t think you realized how much that hurts. We havent discussed anything at all… I want to so badly, but I’m scared to talk about the future with you. I feel like all I’ll ever do is get in the way of you. I feel like I’m not good enough to be in your future. I’m crying, writing this… As you help your parents unload the rv… As you probably get ready to go to sleep…
I’m tired too.
But all sleep brings me at the moment are nightmares. I’ll end up holding you back, I’m sure of that. In one way shape or form… That’s all I’ve ever done is hold people back. I’m so scared right now. So terrified that I’m going to lose you. Who am I kidding? I’ve always been terrified that I’ll lose you, but now the thought cuts deeper more than ever. What if they accept you? What if you go away? What if I become second best to someone else? The thought is unbearable.
I have no idea what I’m going to do. You seem to know what you’re doing though, so I guess I should be happy for that, but I can’t help it. I don’t think you noticed much of a change in my demeanor when you told me… But I guess that’s for the best… I hate when I upset you, and I feel like thats what this would do…
I’m so scared…
Did you know that you are a stunningly beautiful human and that you are loved a lot?
And did you know that you’re a gorgeous, spectacular person, whose personality shines brighter than a star?